One Shots of Ice
by reader-chic-2
Summary: These are one-shot, non-continuous stories about our favorite couple. Sticky ER Visits, Tampons Dragged Out of the Trash, Being Locked Outside Naked, Phone Sex, Cute Famous Interviews… There are more to come and you don't have to read in order. Some have smut, some are funny - all are funny.
1. A Nakedly Awkward ER Visit

**A Nakedly Awkward ER Visit**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****_Frozen _****or ****_Rise of the Guardians_****, or any of the other shows mentioned in this story. Disney and DreamWorks own it.**

* * *

"Her tits size of my elves." North exclaimed. Jack sighed loudly, looking awkwardly at the surgery board. He just finished his last surgery for the day, sadly alongside the chief. "Single life is never better!"

"What about you, Jack Frost?" Nudged Bunnymund. "How much has the ice queen given out since Jamie came along?"

Jack grinned and shook his head. If they only knew how hard it was to actually have alone time with your wife when you cared for a child they wouldn't go out bragging to everyone about their amazing bachelor lives. Jack seldom missed those times. Elsa was the love of his life, however by the time they both got home, they were too exhausted to even kiss, let alone have sex.

Don't get Jack started. They had tried in vain to plan a romantic weekend, but Jamie got lice and had to come home from his friend's house. When Anna came to watch the little guy she ended up bring Kristoff along, resulting in the ever so curious Jamie sneaking in on the teenage couple's own alone time. Needless to say, they had a very awkward conversation as to how a burglar came in and robbed both kids of their clothes.

"All the time," Jack shrugged it off as if it were nothing. That subject stayed on his mind as he ventured home to find Jamie already passed out on the couch. "Elsa?"

She gasped awake, falling off the couch. Jack didn't even see her from the covers overtop her. He had trouble not laughing as he helped his clumsy wife up. "Not funny," she hissed.

"I beg to differ," Jack cackled. She was still in her suit. He leaned in to kiss her and tried for a deeper kiss than normal. Elsa, surprised, pulled away with a groan. "Pleasee."

"I'm exhausted." She pouted. Jack countered back with a smirk, keeping eye contact the entire time. Finally, "Come here."

They began a quick make out session, right there on the couch, forgetting of Jamie's sleeping form. Things were getting heated and Elsa let loose a slight whimper. Seconds later, Jamie jumped awake. "What are you _doing!?"_

Those fateful words cause Elsa to shove Jack back, separating their lips in haste. Jack, a tad bit annoyed, grated and slowly went to a sitting position, pulling Elsa with him against his chest. "Showing your mommy some love, that's what."

"Ew!" Jamie ran screaming, covering his eyes. They followed the child's running form until he was out of sight, but seconds later they heard a loud thud.

In the end, they snuck Jamie in the back door of the ER where Jack hurriedly stitched up the child who took off his mother. He was the talk of the hospital, but the kid loathed it. It was most likely the embarrassment of the occurrence that caused the events of the next night.

Elsa and Jack were determined to get it on, seeing it now as a challenge. It was midday and they, ever so clever the parents, pawned their kids off on their neighbor, as any good parent would. "Let's get messy," Elsa had said. Jack didn't understand why she adored lube. He supposed it was something to do with the fact that he would put it on his dick when he masturbated. Whatever the reason, she loved it. It gave her thrills just to touch it. So he shouldn't have been so surprised when she brought in the bottle and squirted it all over his hands. "Now touch me everywhere."

And so Jack did exactly that, along with some heated kissing. His hands rubbed in between her thighs, high and low. Finally, when they began going at it, he pressed his hands rather roughly to her breasts as he drove in and out. Well, funny thing about that lube…

Earlier in the morning, Jack had seen Jamie run in and out of their bathroom, figuring he was just playing hide and seek or something. The ten year old was smarter than he let on.

"Elsa," Jack paused. She only moaned, trying to keep focused on the task. "Elsa, there's – Elsa!"

"What?" she snapped, opening her eyes.

"Uh," Jack cocked his head to the side. "Well, you see…"

"About to come!" Elsa shrieked in aggravation. "Gone. I should smack you…oh my gosh! I can't-,"

"Neither can I," Jack groaned, head falling in defeat into her hair. He tucked, trying to remove his hands from her breasts, but those puppies were stuck on there. Despite the rumors, he loved Elsa very much…and he loved her tits. So there was no way in hell he'd try to remove his hands if there was the slightest chance that he could damage the girls.

"What kind of lube did you buy, fuck-tard?" Elsa spat. He could sense her heart rate increasing, her breathing speed up. Granted, he was pushing on her chest with a lot of his bodyweight, but his legs had most of it, proven by how fast they were falling asleep. Sensing her panic, all of his lust went down the drain, except for the ever-existing part he got from touching her boobs. Heck, he was going for a record time. "Ew! Ew, did your boner just die out?"

"Well, we are in a sticky situation," I winked. She rolled her eyes at my half-assed pun.

"Could you at least take it out? That's just weird." Yeah, Jack was used to her bluntness. Once she got comfortable, she didn't hold any remarks back. Funny, he _used _to adore that part of her when it wasn't aimed at his precious cargo. He tried; he really did, but then came her screams of pain. "Ow, ow, stop!"

He cringed. "I put lube – or whatever that was - on my dick. Now it's in your pub- hair." She loathed when he called it pubes. See, Jack was a bit old fashioned down there and requested she didn't shave, something she easily crossed off her to-do list. Now it bit them in the butt.

"Idiot," Elsa huffed. "Well both my hands are stuck to your arms or I'd call Anna."

"Ew, that's pedophile charges calling my name-," Jack began, his face twisting at the thought. Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood the devil herself, alongside the mischievous prankster known as Jamie. "Jamie Frost Junior!" His name was only Jamie Frost, but Jack thought it sounded better if he added the junior on it. Anna was quick to cover his eyes, but the two parents already acted on their feet and worked together to rolled themselves off the bed. Jack landed on his back with a solid thud and groan. "What the hell is this?"

"I switched out your gel stuff with clear cement glue," Jamie giggled. Anna was bursting at the seams with laughter. "Dad, why were you grabbing mommy's-."

"Anna," Elsa shouted. "Could you get some help?"

"Oh, I'll get you some help alright," Anna snickered. They both dreaded the sound of the phone in her hands.

* * *

"Could you at least drape somethi-thank you," Jack growled. He was actually very protective of Elsa's body. He gurney moved slowly to the ER, scaring half the people to death. "Not my ass, hers!"

"Sir, we can't have you mooning the entire-,"

The poor, shy paramedic was cut off from North, Bunny, Kristoff, Anna, Tooth, and the rest of the staff of surgeons located at Guardia Hospital laughing hysterically. You guessed it. Jack knew every single person, and Elsa did by default. It was probably worse for her considering Jack often bragged about her in bed to the guys, but now they got a sneak peek of it.

It took them literally two minutes to quiet down, all the while Elsa and Jack rolled eyes simultaneously. "No way to treat a patient!" she shrieked.

"I call them!" Tooth shrieked.

"You just want a looksy at Jack's," Bunny whistled high and low.

"It's not like you are getting them," Tooth snorted. "Jack doesn't want a horny guy like you fondling Elsa's." It was her turn to whistle. Neither patient knew whether she meant boobs, ass, or vagina. Either way, they didn't like it.

"Hey!" Elsa shouted. "I can't breathe and Jack's hands are cramping. Do something!"

"Laugh later, but fix now," Jack growled. He met eyes with each doctor, daring them to say a word about it. "Bunny, North, and Hans: get the fuck out of here."

"Tooth," Elsa strained her neck to look backwards. "Sorry, but no." What could she say? They both were jealous people. "Kristoff. You've seen Anna, now it's my turn." She held a messed up grin Jack couldn't get enough of. If is back weren't aching so badly, he would have lent down again to kiss her.

"But I didn't even volunteer," he trudged and took the gurney, strolling it into the bed. Jack was smiling devilishly at him the entire time. He gulped, grabbed a clipboard, and held it in his line of view as he started the exam. "Ho-," he cleared his throat. "How did this happen?"

"Oh, you know," Jack shrugged. "We were just eating a casual breakfast in our normal positions." Elsa snickered. "We were fucking and used some lube that Jamie had previously switched out with cement drying clear glue gel."

"Obviously," Kristoff muttered. "But, uh, the breasts?"

A chorus of giggles sounded from outside the curtain. They both knew all their friends were listening in but neither truly cared. They all heard stories of Jack's heated bedroom life, now it was just confirmed. "Elsa has this thing-,"

"I do not!" Elsa snarled. "We spilled it."

"Sure," Jack muttered. Her nailed slowly dug their way deeper into Jack's arms. "Jamie has the glue out in the waiting room." As Kristoff took his chance to get out of there, Elsa gave Jack the stank eye. She did her best to spit on him, but he was too far in the air and it just fell back on her face. Jack laughed proudly.

"Fuck you," she whined, trying to get it to roll off her face before anyone else could see.

"We were trying to," Jack shrugged. Elsa jerked her hips upward and Jack cringed. "Sorry." Smirking, he lent down and kissed her softly and slowly, licking up the spit. Elsa smiled faintly, thankful for his ability to ignore how utterly gross that was. Kristoff came back in the room and sighed, looking in and out of the body parts.

"Oh my – Jack, are you still in there?" Kristoff could have shouted it into a bullhorn and been less loud.

"No, his dick magically disappeared," Elsa muttered. "It's massive! We all would have seen it if not!" Jack again winked down at her.

Kristoff ran a hand through his hair. "Shitt…I'm going to need a gynecologist." Elsa cringed. There were two of them: Tooth and Anna. He took one look at Elsa and made the decision for her. "Get Tooth."

All that really happened was they soaked Elsa's body and Jack's arms in a mix that lessened the hold the glue had on it. Getting her hands off his arms wasn't painful, but boy did Elsa scream when Jack pulled out. "Fucking hate you! Worse than – ah - childbirth, mother fucker!" The entire time, he was being smacked upside the head for 'listening to the great idea.' They were about to do her boobs when Jack yelled in protest.

"Nooo," he argued. "Don't come a step closer with that shit. No, no, not a chance."

"Jack," Tooth blushed. Elsa didn't even see why she was needed. There was no surgery. It wasn't like people never dealt with boobs before.

"Hey! You see these tits?" Jack nodded in Elsa's direction. "They're the best tits I've ever seen – and I'm a damn plastic surgeon. I should know. They aren't saggy like North's ladies are and they aren't nonexistent like Bunny's. So there's not a chance we are ruining these babies. They are perfection made over and-,"

"Just get Bunny in here and let him decide," Elsa groaned. Jack went on a whole new spree of ranting, but he was outvoted. "He's an unbiased, second opinioned plastic surgeon."

As he made his smug entrance, Bunny tipped a nonexistent hat towards Jack. "Elsa, looking lovely as ever today." He kissed her hand. "What seems to be the – ah, Jack and his boners. They get in the way, don't they?"

Jack was already on his breaking point. "Peter Cottontail, you take a good look at Elsa and just remember; this is my damn wife. Every night." He rubbed salt in an open wound. "Sprout a boner and you'll get knocked out, but still remember the sight."

Elsa was used to Jack's jealous remarks and kicked him freely in the balls. He cringed, wanting to hold his junk but finding himself useless. "I love you, too, but let's hurry this up."

"Eager to finish?" Bunny surveyed the damage with a smug smile.

"Eager to console a child to make sure he doesn't turn to drugs for coping on seeing his parents twice molesting each other," Elsa muttered nonchalantly. Jack focused on breathing deeply. "So?"

"I think a little more concentration with less water will do fine. I'm going to warn you what Jack will already know," he snorted. "You'll feel a slightly acidic tingling, but we'll rinse it away with water right after you are separated. You'll also feel very sensitive for the next couple days. Though it shouldn't be of concern, don't breast feed in the next week, yada, yada, yada…okay!"

After the whole fiasco was finished with and the parents were properly clothed, they exited the curtains with grace but pointedly not touching each other past the hands. They definitely had gotten a day's worth of feeling the other up in. Jack quickly found the smirking Bunnymund and was quick to beat up on the poor fellow. Nobody stopped him, not even Elsa. She figured the guy looked a little bit too long after they were separated. He even tried to feel and make sure there was no damage, but Jack said he could easily do that.

Finally, as they walked to get Jamie, Elsa smacked his ass. "That's what we get for trying to be hot." Jack threw an arm around her shoulders and kissed her head.

"The thought," Jack sighed. "It's the thought that counts."

The car ride home was horribly conversational. It would have been nicer to have an awkward silence. After many accounts of avoiding the question, Jack and Elsa sat Jamie down on his bed and looked him in the eyes. "You shouldn't have switched those bottles. It could have been much worse," Elsa warned firmly. Jamie nodded.

"What were you doing?" He asked. Jack opened his mouth to answer. "Don't say wrestling. My friend's brother wrestles and _he's_ never naked."

Elsa looked between the two men. She wanted to shield her son's innocence, but not enough to form such a blatant lie. "Welp," she jumped to her feet. "Look's like he's getting 'the talk' early, huh, Jack?"

"Yeah," Jack sighed dejectedly, sticking up his middle finger behind his back to Elsa. "Yeah he will."

* * *

**A/N: This is a series of one-shots between our favorite couple Jack and Elsa! The updates all depend on the amount of reviews, but that's beside the point. I'd love to hear what you thought and any corrections. This is my first one shot so tell me what you thought. Also, if you have any funny/quirky/awkward ideas or stories to tell, I'd love to hear and write about it (or just hear if you prefer). Ideas are most wanted!**


	2. Locked Outside Naked

**Locked Outside Naked**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****_Frozen _****or ****_Rise of the Guardians_****, or any of the other shows mentioned in this story. Disney and DreamWorks own it.**

* * *

Jack and Elsa were long time neighbors during the summer months when both their families visited the lake. Their houses were the only two for miles apart. For Elsa and all of her family it was no secret she had had a huge crush on Jack Frost since they were in the seventh grade and shared a first kiss together. However, nothing really occurred from there.

One summer they couldn't make it there; horrible car accident that left their parents paralyzed for the good portion of a year. Elsa and Anna Arendelle never went back to the lake house again… After a new person came into their lives – Kristoff – the two girls found joy and happiness in the small aspects of life again.

Like any good twenty-something sisters, they visited the lake house, got drunk off their asses, and decided it would be fun to just get drunker, avoiding their true sorrowful emotions. In reality, Elsa no longer missed her slightly cold and devoid parents, but she played the role for her sister who could never see the harshness of her father or the emotionlessness of her mother. They were gone and she had finally moved on.

"I'm taking a shower," Elsa declared and began to take of her shirt.

"Should I call Jack Frost over?" Anna wiggled her eyebrows. Elsa turned around slowly, now only in a bra and glared harsher than even her father.

"Who?" She spat, wiggling out of her pants and creeping towards the door.

"You know who!" Anna laughed profusely. Elsa ignored her drunken sister and took a hot shower, letting the steam soak into her pores and mind, sobering her up fully after thirty minutes. Just as she wrapped a towel around her body, the doorbell rang. She figured her sister would get it, but it rang again. Their lake house was sort of reclusive so whoever would be at her door could only be important.

"Anna, will you get that?" Elsa shouted. She was met with silence. Stepping out in only a towel, she found her sister asleep on the floor. Even after kicking her, Anna didn't budge. "Great, that leaves the murderer to me." It rang again and got on her nerves to not even change before opening the door with a loud. "What?"

Her eyes met the beauty of all beauties, the pearl of the ocean, the snow in the blizzard! Jack Frost, the one and only, stood there, but it was no longer the mildly attractive, funny kid. It was the overtly sexy, rocking body, easy going outfit Jack Frost. His legit white hair was in messy tuffs that stuck up everywhere and drove Elsa insane. His sparkling blue eyes were the brightest she had ever seen. His body was slim and fit, with the cutest of blue hoodies on. His stance alone turned her own for he seemed to be checking her out.

Suddenly, two hands were at her back and pushed her roughly out the door and into the night, landing ungracefully into Jack, causing both people to stumble. "Sayonara, bitches!" Anna screeched and slammed the door shut, locking the dead bolt as well. Elsa turned around and pounded on the door, threatening her life a hundred times, but Anna was as good as gone.

Then she turned around to Jack, who wasn't doing anything. "Hi," she smiled, tightening her hand around the towel.

"The Arendelle sisters are back to their pranks, huh?" Jack muttered, still checking her out. His eyes licked up her legs and paused at her chest. He extended his hand to shake hers and she did, but he held on. "I shake hands with two." Elsa peered at him before tucking her towel in and shaking his hand with both of mine. "Now that's no fun, Elsa."

"This situation is no fun," she muttered. "It's nice to see you again. We sure missed your family. You should come over – once I'm dressed!"

Jack tilted his head to the side back and forth, forming a puzzled expression. "They kind of have this no-coming-back-from-the-dead policy," he ran a hand through his hair, talking nonchalantly. Elsa smirked, just a bit. How ironic it was they both had dead parents.

"Really?" she gasped. "So do my parents. So odd…" Jack chuckled a bit, still looking me up and down. Elsa turned around and pounded on the door some more, but it was useless. "Uh, are you here alone then?"

"Yes, but I'm sure I can find some company with you." Jack smiled crookedly. She blushed and looked at her feet. The door suddenly opened and outstepped the annoying sister. "Anna, nice to see you." She winked at him and faster than a bullet grabbed her towel, hands at the ready to pull back.

"Don't you dare!" Elsa hissed at the same time as Anna yanked it away, running for cover inside the house. Now Elsa was completely naked with nowhere to hide. "Fuck you, Anna!"

"Thank you, Anna," Jack snickered. She grabbed her privates to hide them, but it was futile. Her boobs were just too big to be held with one hand and her other was covering her vagina. "So sixth grade." He walked slowly to Elsa, unbuttoning his shirt. "I suppose I have to give this to you in order to keep my gentlemen status." He took the loose shirt and slowly draped it over Elsa's shoulders. "However, do remember I part with it with such sorrow."

Elsa quickly turned around and buttoned the shirt. For half a moment she thought to leave a few of them near the chest undone, but it would be with no purpose. She already exceeded her slut rating for the night. Elsa turned around and forced a smile on her lips. Jack's eyes quickly shot up from her rear-end to her face. Neither adult minded with being open about their bodies. Both knew how ugly a body could truly be from one too many nights at the same bar and took in the appreciation of the near perfect forms before their eyes.

Jack had a set of abs that captivated Elsa's eyes, the infamous v-line pointing her in the direction she was itched for, but a pair of jeans stopped them. His lean body held more muscle than should have been possible. The idea of coming any bit closer invigorated her so she did simply that with a rush of thrill.

"If our parents could see us now," she snorted, giggling at her memories.

"Do tell, oh naked one," Jack stepped even closer. He noticed the chill in the air and the way her nipples shone through that shirt clearly. He would never be happier for wearing a sheer white material. Elsa smirked and leaned against the door, shaking her head. Jack stepped forward, extending his hand to the wall next to her head, giving the cold girl no option to refuse.

Elsa's smile challenged Jack, who then stepped forward again. Their breaths mixed with the others. "One night when both our parents were drunk and only hours after we kissed," she paused to see his reaction. His grin widened in the memory. _Good_, Elsa thought. "I came in with a hickey – thank you by the way – and they surrounded me, laughing on and on about our 'epic love.' They said, and I still remember it to this day, that we would end up naked in the lake together. Well," She smirked, skirting her blue eyes between Jack and the lake. "I can say it's half correct."

Jack didn't even see it optional to not do what he did. "Let's not have our parents turn over in their graves then," he hissed, leaning forward enough so he was speaking against her cheek. Heart beating fast, Elsa nodded calmly and took Jack by the hand. Like maiden's voyage, she led him to lake as if to seduce the guy, however that was exactly what Jack was hoping for. She stopped by the bank and looked with only her eyes to Jack, who was slipping off his jeans. "I'd rather you not get my shirt wet, darling."

"Oh," Elsa pulled it over her head in the full moonlight, confidence growing. "You mean this little thing?" She wiggled it from her finger and let it fall into the water, acting totally surprised. "Oops." Jack shimmed out of his underwear, gazing at Elsa as if she were food.

"You crazy bitch," he cackled and ran at a full sprint for her. Jack tackled Elsa into the water, crashing his lips to hers instantly.

* * *

Elsa woke to soaking sheets, an ice blue room, and a chilling arm around her body. She rolled over and fell out of bed onto a wooden floor. All the surroundings told her this wasn't her room, and she didn't remember coming back here, yet something about the room excited an emotion inside her stomach. She got to her knees to, of course, find the ever so handsome Jack Frost soft asleep.

Memories of the mind-blowing sex in the water from last night flooded through her brain. A smile formed on her lips. It all started because Anna wanted to embarrass her sister. Well, she definitely found the best out of that prank, if she could say so herself. Which reminded her to lift the sheets and check to see-ah, yes, she suspected he was a tad bit larger than the average. It explained the soreness pulsing between her legs.

With the fascination of Jack Frost, Elsa crawled from his feet under the covers upward to the man's junk. From there, she used her clever teeth to awaken the startled young adult. Needless to say, he had never been woken to _that _before. Once they got their hormones under control, both of them lazily got dressed, smirking all the while. "Elsa Arendelle," Jack shook his head with a smile. "Summer love has taken a whole new meaning."

"Now don't get your dick confused with your heart," Elsa clutched her head. "That was the best meeting I've had in the middle of the woods, waking up to wood." Jack bit his lip at her horrid joke.

"It was rather wet down there, too," Jack tugged on his underwear. "The lake, I mean." Elsa giggled, knowing full well what he implied.

"Well, that lake is clear of fish, I presume," she grabbed his shirt from the floor and buttoned it around there.

"Such sorrow I have parting with the lake," Jack groaned. Pulling on his pants, he extended a hand, which Elsa took gladly. "Breakfast with Anna?"

"Of course," she nodded. "We need to get some type of revenge on her."

"I don't know about that," Jack ran his free hand through his hair. "A thanks may be in order."

Elsa blushed. "Like you don't get a good amount in…where do you live?"

"Here," Jack emphasized the word. Nobody got much of anything if they lived there, unless of course they had an easy neighbor. "Work at home, too."

"Damn," she pounded on the door. The last time she did that was years ago. "I must have seemed like a model then."

"Better," Jack rocked on his heels and back. Elsa caught his wandering eyes and pretended to be offended, letting her mouth hang open. "I do love my ass and boobs."

Anna finally opened the door, greeting the two with a rat's nest and stinky breath. "Close the garbage lid!" Elsa shoved her sister, walking past the girl and dragging Jack behind.

"Well that backfired," Anna scratched her head, following Jack's form with her eyes. "Jack, you should have told me you have abs!" He answered her by looking over his shoulder and winking. "_I'm dating Kristoff, I'm dating Kristoff_."

"Kristoff," Elsa led Jack to her suitcase and picked out a random outfit, "is her boyfriend who won't take her virginity." He snorted and searched through the clothes, finding a black bra. She laughed and tugged it on.

"Why did you two come back?" he asked as Elsa clothed herself. She sighed. That question was never fun.

"Anna finally got over our parents," she explained. "We missed this place. It's not too far from where we live now."

"I thought you lived two states away," he held open the door for me leading to the breakfast table. Elsa smiled.

"We lived a while with our grandparents who are about an hour away," she explained, pausing to see his reaction. She was sure he would be annoyed. They only had sex because they were the 'summer romance' kids who didn't live near each other and had little to no chance of ever being together.

Jack grinned and took her hand, spinning he away from the door and into his chest. "Great," he smirked. "So you can't refuse dinner with me tonight."

"Is that an invitation?" Elsa smiled widely. He nodded, lifting her face towards his. "Pick me up at eight." She pressed her lips to his, happier than even during last night.

"Get a room!" Anna screeched.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys. Somebody said it seemed like it was rated M. Anyone else think so? If there's a problem I can change it. Sorry this was a bit shorter, but I hope you liked it. More to come! Leave any ideas you have! :)**


	3. Dog Fetches Tampon

**Dog Fetches a Used Tampon**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ****_Frozen _****or ****_Rise of the Guardians_****, or any of the other shows mentioned in this story. Disney and DreamWorks own it.**

* * *

"It's kind of an emergency people!" Came the demanding voice of a businesswoman who went by her rules and her rules only; in fact, she made up the very rules everyone in her company followed. Elsa was kind of a big shot CEO, but no biggie. How she got there was shone exactly through her personality. She took no no's and got things done when and where she wanted it. People didn't turn her down. That's exactly how she managed to bypass over twenty people in the longest line in the supermarket of history.

"A box of tampons?" said the cashier. "This got you to the front?" Elsa frowned at the man and stepped back so his line of view easily accessed her white pants now flooded with what everyone perceived to be blood. So she got her tampons and 'hurried' to the bathroom and went to her car. Once there she tucked away her Halloween make up kit and made sure to squeeze the fake blood cap tight. She quickly stripped her jeans in the parking lot and shrugged on her skirt, heading back to her house with a satisfied smirk on her face.

That was the way of Elsa Arendelle.

. . .

"You have to _leave_," Elsa insisted, pushing her sister out the door. "Jack is coming over for a movie date, Anna."

Ann whined. "Kristoff can come and we can all double date!" Elsa shook her head and finally got her out of the apartment. She huffed and pouted.

"It's only our second date. I'm already watching your dog. The best you can get is to maybe meet him on our third date," Elsa smiled. She loved her sister very much, but sometimes she was very pushy. Elsa liked keeping her personal life to herself for as long as she could.

"Fine," Anna hugged her sister. "Tell Jack I said hello." Elsa agreed and shut the door to go make popcorn. Anna's pesky dog, a white Yorkie mix named Olaf, whined at Elsa's feet. She looked down to see a bunch of tissues waddled in her mouth, leaving a trail pointed in the direction of the trash. Elsa groaned and picked up the garbage. Dogs were the species she would terminate first if she ruled the world.

Then it barked and her entire opinion changed. She spent the next couple of minutes playing fetch with the feller instead of doing what she should have been doing; getting ready for her date. However, one could simply call it hanging out. The only reason she mentioned it as a date was so that she could make out with him without feeling like a slut.

When the doorbell rang, she was put into overdrive, totally freaking out. Elsa scrambled around, splashed some perfume over her neck and hair, rinsed her teeth with Listerine, took off her period panties and put on some underwear, tucking in the shameful string, and finally changed her outfit to new white jeans and a tiny shirt, one sure to show off her butt. She had caught Jack Frost staring a while ago and decided to use it to her advantage.

Fluffing her hair, she ran to the door and slung it open, almost falling in the process. Jack chuckled and held up a bottle of wine. "I brought a party favor," he smiled. "Though you seem tipsy enough."

"Jack Frost," she sighed. "My favorite person." Before she could vanquish her fears, Elsa stood on her tiptoes, hugged the man, and kissed his cheek. She led him to her couch and opened the bottle. "How was your day as…what is it you do again?" She met his glint in his eyes with one in hers.

"I," Jack kissed the back of her hand, "am the CEO of the opposing your company." Elsa giggled and poured her wine cup nearly full. They talked for a short time before logging on to Elsa's Netflix account. If anyone was ever in the beginning of a relationship in which the couple are drooling over one another every second of the day, then they would understand how little actually watching the show meant. For instance, they didn't even debate over the movie choice and accidentally put on a Disney movie. Neither of them noticed.

Jack wrapped an arm around Elsa, scooting closer every second. Elsa tilted her head to look at Jack but when he looked back at her, she looked away sheepishly. Things like that progressed until she had enough and swung her dainty little leg over his torso, grinning all the while. Jack chuckled, smirking. "You always were one to take what you wanted," he said as his hands ran down her back and rested on her ass. Elsa winked as she stood on her knees, still straddling the man. She tore off her shirt. It only took seconds for Jack to crash his lips onto hers.

It was slow and passionate, holding no rush to move any further than that. Their tongues licked secretively along the other's lips. Her hands ran through his messy hair, feeling every inch of him up. She didn't know what gave her more of a high: making out with Jack Frost or the simple idea of having a secret relation ship with her competitor. All she knew was that his tongue was delicious and she couldn't get enough of it.

As Jack moved on of his hands to her chest, slipping under the bra, a dog barked in the distance. They both ignored the pest and continued going at it. Breathing deeply, Elsa pulled away and let Jack continue his adventure down her neck, inching towards her chest. While bursts of energy shot through her, she focused on pushing down the libido. She didn't want her first time with Jack to be on her period where he would probably be grossed out. As his lips found the top of her breast, her eyes popped open. A little movement over his shoulder caught her eyes.

A little whimper came out of her mouth and then a moan, but not one of pleasure. Jack smiled against her skin as he unclasped her bra, thinking her sounds were made purely because of his skills. Well, Elsa hated to break it to him – actually she desperately didn't want to. Ignoring him slightly for the moment, she mouthed to the dog, removing her hands from Jack's hair and waved the animal away. In his mouth, he held the queen of all trash, the evilest of all evils, the devil of hell! "Stop it!" She hissed aloud to her horror. Jack's lips instantly parted from her breast and he held his hands in the air, trying his best to touch as little of her as he could. Elsa cursed.

"What's wrong?" he breathed deeply, confused as he stared at the girl in front of him. He looked her over, unsure of the problem.

"Er," Elsa thought quickly. "Role play?" Jack's eyes widened to the size of the moon. She shook her head, looping her hands around his neck, smiling seductively while secretly making motions for the dog to sit in a hole and die. "Never mind. Back to kissing." Jack didn't argue with her, instantly going for her ass.

It wasn't five seconds after that when the devil dog jumped on the couch. Olaf nuzzled his head in between the couple. Elsa noticed that something sickly wet slid across her stomach. He barked happily and sprinted away, as if knowing the trouble he would be in. Elsa could barely force herself to look down. She actually didn't have to. Jack's screams alerted her enough. His entire body jumped from underneath the confused girl. Elsa was thrown to the floor, the pile of trash previously sitting in his lap thrown right on top of her. She stiffened, brushing off the wrappers and the tissues, slowly turning her head to look her ever so thoughtful _friend. _

"Eh – you've got something right the-," he began to say, pointing to the girl's hair. She slapped his hand away.

"I've got it," she hissed, climbing to her feet. Giving one huff, she looked at Jack. "Care to explain why you _dropped me on the floor_?" He opened his mouth to speak, trying to come up with the best phrase. "And then threw trash on me!?" Again, he was rendered speechless, if only for a second.

He smirked, just a bit, and said the first thing that came to his mind. "Your boobs bounce when you're mad." Wrong wording…or phrase in general. She groaned loudly and flung his open bottle of wine into his chest, but it sloshed around and splashed onto her pants, making her look like she had period stains. In her mind, she figured this date couldn't have been less fair. She was thrown to the floor, treated with the _trash,_ and was falsely accused of leaking when in reality that hadn't even happened yet!

"You should go," she hissed, kicking his shoes – and some of the trash with it – towards him. Jack physically jumped and fell backwards, breaking her newest dining chair. She screamed, ready to make him pay for the damage, when she saw _it. _The dreaded monster she thought left her life when she yanked it out of her not hours ago. _It_. "O…oh my gosh!" Elsa shrieked, cupping her hands over her mouth.

Jack climbed his way out of the mess of metal and cushions. "Ughn." Elsa disregarded him in a glance and instantly grabbed a bag from the kitchen. "I'm totally fine." She piled in the dumped garbage that wasn't being chewed on by Olaf into a new bag. When it came time to pick up the four devil children, she walked to the kitchen for a new towel. "I hope I'm not bleeding – wouldn't want blood on your carpet." When she knelt to pick up the used sponge-like things, she noticed there were only three blood filled tampons.

"Olaf," she growled, looking up at the dog with a challenge in her eyes. Dangling from the string hung a blood dripping, full, disgustingly smelly tampon. Jack looked to her gaze and started gagging, kneeling on the ground as not to inhale his own upchuck. Elsa ignored the baby and slowly made her way to the dog. For a split second, he stayed in place, but then…

In a lightening bolt, the dog shot between he legs, letting the tampon smack her on her butt as it swung loosely around. She chased the being round the house at least twice until it finally found his item – which he used to make his trail on the walls – useless. Olaf ran over to Jack, who was attending to his horrid wound, and spat the tampon on his bare feet. At that point, Elsa was ninety percent sure he would faint. She could see him sway back and forth before he kicked the thing twenty feet onto her white couch. Did she mention that he then proceeded to fall to his butt in dog food? And no, it wasn't the hard kind; it was the gross, roast beef and tuna, mushy dog food.

"Where should I even start?" Elsa giggled, looking all around her ruined apartment. She helped Jack up slowly, trying her best not to laugh at his ruined jeans. "Jack, I am incredibly sorry!"

"And not the least bit embarrassed," he huffed, running a hand through his hair. He stood awkwardly, as if standing any straighter would make the dog food touch his back. Elsa shook her head, finally bursting into laughter. It was all too funny.

"Let me get this straight," she gasped for air, clutching her ribcage. "Olaf-,"

"Why the fuck do you have a damn dog, anyways?" Jack muttered, staring down the bugger who was happily chirping at the girl's feet.

"It's my sister's," she wiped at her eyes. "Olaf carries the garbage full of bloody tampons onto your lap, your freak out and shove me to the ground, see the tampons again when I kick them, fall and break a chair like the sissy you are, let me chase the dog on my own, and then fall again at the sight of the tampon into dog fucking food!"

"Oh shut it," Jack Frost growled.

"I'm going to get you a shirt," Elsa mumbled, biting her lip. He was a total mess. She was pretty sure his eyes kept glancing to the couch, as if the tampons would suddenly come crawling back and attack him. She came back with her biggest t-shirt.

She walked towards him, around the counter, when suddenly Jack made a muffled screaming sound. "Okay, Elsa, baby, don't freak out or anything-,"

"Oh, I doubt I'll be worse than you," she huffed, suspecting what he was pointing out.

"-But you have…period fucking blood on your ass…your hot, cute ass." Jack whined the last part like a child who couldn't choose where to eat out for lunch, as if his entire day would be ruined by that small detail. Elsa turned around, looking at her jeans, but she couldn't see it. Instead, she tossed Jack the shirt and shrugged out of her jeans. Despite Elsa being only in her cheeky panties, Jack was cringing, looking anywhere but her.

"I take it you don't plan on getting your red wings any time soon," Elsa crossed her arms, fixing her crooked bra that he messed up earlier in their make out session.

"Don't fucking talk like that, Elsa!" Jack groaned, gagging a little. He stripped himself of his shirt, careful not to touch the dog food, and slipped on the new shirt. "That's some messed up shit only a fucking in love, crazy, pussy does!"

_Six Months Later_

"Are you sure you want to try this, babe?" Elsa breathed deeply, trying to control her heart rate. His hands teased her as he slid her underwear off.

"You said you're horny on your period," Jack's smile wavered. "Tell me if you don't want it. I won't be…too disappointed." In his head, he was screaming, "_I'd be leaping for joy, that's what."_

_"_Fuck yeah I want it," Elsa gasped, the knot in her stomach tightening at just the thought of his mouth in her vagina with her blood covering her face.

"_Don't puke, Jack Frost. Don't you do it!" _

He spread her legs wide, reminded at how pleased he used to get seeing how flexible she was. It didn't help his spirits now.

_"Mouth! Breathe through your mouth or you're screwed!"_

Clenching his eyes shut, Jack plunged straight in, his tongue running up the length of her vagina.

_"What kind of torture is this shit? How can a woman taste so horrible?" _

Just so he didn't have to prove it twice, he raised his head, showing Elsa how he could swallow that shit, and he did mean shit. Elsa's hands massaged his head.

"_Yeah I best be getting some anal for this, not just some crap head rubbing!"_

Jack ran his tongue up and down her opening before really going for it by spreading open her lips and licking around the hole fleetingly.

"_It's on my nose! It's on my – dammit! IT'S IN MY NOSE!"_

Blood was dripping all over his face by then. Elsa was on her second and heaviest day. By doing that signature move, she clenched her insides and a squirt of blood shot out of her vagina. Jack nearly choked. His stomach lurched, but he was determined to make her orgasm. It didn't count if she didn't come.

_"I'm eating a failed child. I'm literally eating a dead half-a-kid!"_

Jack went to work pleasing her in ways she never knew she could be pleased. Having him do this during her period made things ten times more pleasurable.

"_You better scream my name, whore! Let the whole building hear it, sweetheart, cause it's not happening again!"_

Just as he feared – no, as he dreaded, when cum shot from Elsa's vagina, guess what accompanied and overpowered the already distasteful cum? Blood. Period, dead-egged, blood! He knew he was screwed when the inside vaginal walls clamped around his tongue. He tried to pull out and succeeded, but not fast enough to miss a good amount of his feared substance. He jerked away quickly, scraping his tongue free of all of his taste buds, trying to rid himself of any memory of the taste.

_"The devil made periods. It's not getting your red wings, it's getting your devil wings!"_

Elsa was busy moaning in pleasure and laughing her ass off. It produced a rather unattractive sound that he could only glare to. She had no problem with him being disgusted in her body fluids. After all, she basically had him wrapped around her finger.

"Bitch."

"Pussy."

_"Pussies are troupers. If they go through that awfulness once a month then DAMN! No wonder they smell unwelcoming on a daily basis!"_

* * *

**A/N: Ideas? Help me people! I know these are infrequent updates. I have a story story going on as well and that gets more attention from me, but I enjoy doing these. 'Pics to Mom' or "Phone Sex Gone Wrong'? Or give me any ideas you have! I love the reviews so far. Keep them coming. What did you think? I changed the rating to M but it won't get much more descriptive than this because I'm not good at writing smut or really want to so...**


	4. Phone Sex Overheard in the Rink

**Phone Sex Overhead in the Rink**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Disney and Dreamworks owns Elsa and Jack and others.**

**Rated M for very descriptive sexual encounters. It gets semi-juicy?**

* * *

"Put it on speaker, Mr. Frost. You'll need your hands."

That was the turning moment. That one mistake caused the huge scene to occur at the next hockey game. Confused? Of course you are. Let's backtrack.

. . .

Elsa Frost: newly wed to Jack Frost, crazy in love, and one of the dirtiest, kinkiest girls around. Jack Frost: Elsa's counterpart, effortlessly whipped, and definitely in love with Elsa's idea of arousals.

They had been married for about three months now. Their honeymoon was the classic sex and it fulfilled them both. When they got home, however, they realized that the boring sex only got their blood flowing earlier because they were on a high from the idea of a honeymoon. That's when Elsa showed her true crazy side.

If the two were really pointing fingers, they should have blamed the coach for incident.

Jack was a professional hockey player. He and his band of teammates were very close. Any and every new position or sexually related adventure was relayed to them by the next after shower practice. Elsa loved the idea that all the guys drooled after her when she visited Jack at work. She was comfortable being known as the dirty wife, if only because everyone knew Jack was the only man she ever slept with. High school sweethearts never cheat. Obviously, she couldn't be called a slut or whore.

"Hello boys," Elsa grinned, sticking her head through the door with eyes closed. "Am I clear?" The guys just finished their second to last practice before the big game. Olaf, the goalie, broke into a grin and pulled Elsa inside, squeezing her tight in a chilling hug considering he just took an ice bath. Laughing, she got set back down on her feet and sang, "I brought muffins." They guys swarmed her, every last one of them planting a kiss on her cheek.

They all went back to organizing their gear once they ate their muffins. Elsa walked over to her second favorite player and Jack's best friend, Jamie. She opened her mouth but he answered before the question was even in the air. He, of all people, always knew what she was here for. "Ice bath, Elsie."

"Thank you," she giggled, walking towards the all too familiar ice baths and locking the door silently behind her. Jack was always the last player to finish since he worked out after practice instead of before. Before practice was simply too early for his tastes. She eyed him quickly, his white ice hair glinting in the dim lights.

Like always, she started off by sneakily placing both hands on his bare shoulders, marveling at their tautness. "Somebody's been working hard," she whispered, nipping his ear in the process. A wide grin spread across his face, but his eyes didn't pop open like before. Elsa got only slightly discouraged at that. She made a mental note to think of something new to do to surprise her ever-loving husband.

"I love you, baby," he said, letting out a breathy sigh. That was all it took for Elsa to run her hands into the frigid water, feeling his toned chest she adored. Jack had his eyes open now, excited to see her 'game plan' for today. She mixed it up…a lot.

Now you may wonder how in the hell could he get and keep a good boner up in ice-cold water. It was barely even considered an obstacle for Jack. He would do anything to get blown. In truth, it wasn't his conscience decision to arch his back, thrusting his hips just above the water. That was an involuntary movement caused by Elsa's delicate fingers fondling his package ever so gently.

With just a finger moving up and down his penis, a boner as sprouted. She was no newcomer to his large boner, but it gave her chills every time she came in contact with it. With a giddy laugh, Elsa wrapped on hand around the base, preparing to jerk him off while he still kept his shoulder under water. When in the ice bath, that was normally the easiest option. However, Elsa wanted more herself. Jack let out a loud groan when she lightly kissed the tip of his head, her signature move when about to give a blowjob.

Her tongue flicked a quick circle around his head, causing his eyes to roll back in his head, the one with a brain on it, though she swore he thought more with his dick than the real brain. She licked down to the base and back up, meeting her eyes each time with Jack's. He growled, getting annoyed with her teasing tongue. Stifling a laugh, Elsa finally opened her mouth wide, taking in the tip first before fully putting him as far as she could grasp. Obviously with his length, no human could fit the entire length in her mouth, a realization Elsa would always hate. Instead, she gripped the base part that fled her mouth with her left hand, stroking the large vein with her thumb. It always sent him crazy.

Elsa began bobbing her head up and down. She dragged her tongue along with her lips as well. Sometimes at the tip she would give a little nip with her teeth, just to remind Jack that she was in full and total control. With her right hand, she cradled his ball sack, of course fondling them too. Never forget the brothers.

Jack was getting closer and closer and Elsa prepared to swallow his cum, like she did every time. It always gave him extra pleasure knowing part of him would be in his for at least another couple minutes.

Then the door burst open. Whenever Elsa came around, all the players knew to not bother them. They never had a single problem with it. If Jack came a lot, not from his own doing, he always played better. The coach on the other hand…

Jack came right after Elsa pulled away in shock, meeting the eyes of Coach North. Cum spewed all over Elsa, the tub, and the wall.

_Cum in her hair, Cum on the chair, Cum everywhere. _

They were merely lucky he didn't enter from the locker room. They really would have been in big trouble if it got on him.

Elsa, eyes shut tight, ground her teeth as she felt the warm, gooey liquid spew on her face, hair, and hands that tried blocking it. Opening them slowly, she smiled warmly to North. "Coach," she said, her voice tight. "How are you today?"

Jack, breathing heavily, sank back into the tub, laughing his ass off. Him and North were pretty close. Practical jokes were their specialties. This was Jack's all time high, and it was an accident. "Frost," North hissed in a commanding voice. "Take poor Elsie home, to the house you somehow convinced her to share with you."

Elsa blushed, ducking her head, looking straight at her feet. Jack stood in the tub, proud and tall. Her faced North, totally mooning Elsa and giving North a full view of his junk. "No punishment?" he beamed. North gave him the death stare.

"No, Jack, there's punishment. I wasn't going to say it in front of your wife, but I don't care any more." North growled, giving him the look that said 'you are about to get de-manned.' "For the next week you can do clean the cups and masks, scrub _this _room dry, and it's your job to hand wash the socks. All of them."

Elsa burst into laughter, clutching her stomach. All of them directed their attention to the one man on the team who almost never allowed his lucky socks to be cleaned unless it was hand washed, which was a rare occasion. North directed his gaze to Elsa. She quipped up real quick, awaiting her form of punishment. "And you, my dear, should show a little more modesty." North chuckled. Nobody could stay mad at Elsa. Still, he had to give some penance to the girl. "Until after the game, I think it's best if you steer clear of the locker room and such. Also, could you host the after party at your house?"

Elsa blushed and nodded. North was certain they would win the game, with or without the help of Elsa. Jack clenched his hands into fists. "Coach-,"

North shot him a glare to shut him up. "We'll see how much of a help she is, Frost. We can't be having these messes for no reason, right? Oh, make sure you make your cheese dip, Elsie."

Elsa, snorting at Jack, nodded. She tried to keep in her laughter. His expression was absolute perfection. She cracked up once North left, falling back against the wall. That only made her messier. Jack hopped down with a defeated frown. Elsa pouted while trying to cheer him up once she stopped cackling. As he wrapped a towel around his waist, Elsa slipped one cum-covered finger into her mouth for show, making a big scene about it, licking her lips at the end with a smile. Finally, a satisfied grin spread across his lips.

Jack immediately pressed his lips against hers and tugged her out into the locker room. He didn't think twice of heading to his locker, cleaning up and taking his time. Meanwhile, Elsa took the walk of shame to sit on the stool beside him, gaining full access of his body while he dressed. The locked room up until then had been utterly silent, not a work being spoken. When Elsa let out a small smirk and giggle, the rest of the team howled with laughter. Everyone was staring at Elsa, laughing at her little mistake of removing her lips too soon.

White cum was in her hair and all over her face, even nearing her eye. It also covered her chest and hands. She walked up Olaf and offered a hug, something he almost never resisted. This time he scurried away faster than sound. Giggling, she tried to give a hand to a fallen Jamie while he clutched his stomach. He about puked.

"Elsa, you've got a little something on your face, sweetheart," one of the teammates teased.

She sneered goodheartedly, "Want to clean it for me, Joe?" It took a long time for them all to stop laughing. Only Jack stayed somber and pouting. He didn't answer when one of the guys asked what was wrong. Elsa mocked him, "He's mad Coach kicked me out. Nothing for the next two days." Elsa was leaving tomorrow morning to visit her sister before going to watch the away game. The only time she could give Jack a little something was right after practice, but if she couldn't come in the locker room, she couldn't give him anything before her flight.

. . .

"How are you holding up?" Elsa stepped off the plane and into her hotel room. Anna and Kristoff were going to meet up with her in a couple of hours.

"Practice was horrible. I was too tight," Jack huffed. He and the team just finished watching the video of their last game against the undefeated team. The team all went out for lunch, but Jack stayed in the team room, debating on what to do. Normally, he'd meet up with Elsa to have lunch.

Elsa shrugged and hopped on the bed. "I have nothing to do. If only they had a later flight," she sighed wistfully. Jack smiled at the thought. "You going to lunch?"

"Too aggravated to eat." Jack growled. It was too ironic. He was an amazing hockey player, but he was cursed with the need to have sex way too often for it to be considered normal.

"Jack, if it's that bad," Elsa giggled and fell against the bed. Ever since marrying that fool, she had grown used to sex about daily. Of course, it wasn't always daily, but there could be multiple days in a row of sex every night or mid-day. "Masturbate. It used to work."

"That was before I met you and your mouth," Jack groaned. Elsa made the connection that he must be alone for some amount of time if he was comfortable enough to use that language and not sound like lovesick puppy.

"My mouth can do more than what you think," Elsa hinted at the subject.

"Is that like a come on?" Jack scratched the back of his head, utterly confused. The door creaked open and Joe crept in to the showers.

Elsa groaned, "Dirty talk!"

Jack's throat fizzled out. "Wait – do you mean phone sex?" He wasn't sure what to think of the idea. Elsa wouldn't send pictures – it made her feel like a whore. Porn wasn't as good anymore now that he had _felt _the most gorgeous girl ever. Porn never was too amazing to Jack. Besides, only the expensive porn was any good. Now phone sex never popped into his mind, but he liked the sound of it.

"Yes," Elsa huffed, annoying for her having to spell it out. Jack grinned, waiting until Joe would leave the damn showers!

"Joe! Get the hell out of here," Jack yelled. Elsa was surprised to hear of another guy in the locker room. Joe came stumbling out of the showers fast, looking away from Jack as much as he could. "Okay, baby, show me what you can do."

. . .

Jack hated how warm-ups started out. He couldn't get into a groove. Still, he had to admit it was better than practice yesterday. He supposed Elsa's call helped him not totally suck. As the team lined up for the national anthem, he caught sight of a platinum blonde shuffling in beside a redhead. Elsa and Anna. Kristoff played for the team he was against; the Beavers. What could he say? The Arendelle sisters had a thing for hockey stars.

Elsa waved, showing no signs of their phone call yesterday. Jack didn't know how she did it. Every time he looked at her, he mentally undressed the girl, remembering how many times he physically had done that. A smirk grew on her face and he forced his eyes back to the flag, not wanting to disrespect anyone. Once that was settled, everyone sat down for a new thing the Sharks decided on doing. A projection was cast onto a large white wall. It was a collection of footage from the team joking around: publicity stunt if you asked Jack.

It was boring until it hit the end. There stood Jamie and Joe, both grinning from ear to ear. Jamie spoke in the video, "Everyone knows the star of the team to be Jack Frost, right?" From the stands, everyone cheered. Jack, surprised at this statement, stood and waved, smiling proudly and confusedly. Jamie smirked on the screen.

Joe spoke in the loud speakers, "Yesterday, we decided to take a peak at what he does to prepare for a big game. Listen and you'll find out."

Jack stiffened and turned his head to see Jamie and Joe cracking up. They had their helmets off, rolling on the ground. Suddenly, Jack recognized his own voice. It was his 'conversation' with Elsa…yesterday.

_"What would you do to me if you were here?"_

_"Fuck you," Elsa's voice sounded like it was guessing. It was muffled from being on the phone as well, but it was definitely audible. Jack groaned._

_"Elsa, you have to go into _detail,_" Jack said. She hissed._

_"Ask again, I can't just randomly speak it!" _

_"What would you do if you were here?" Jack repeated._

_There was a long pause as Elsa got into character. "First…" The audio drifted into background noise. Then another clip played. _

_"Yea-yeah," Jack's voice was strained and tight. There was a light 'fap fap fap' sound going on in the background. "What else, babe?" This was a breathy groan. _

_"Just as you were about to come…" Elsa hissed in a sexy tone and took a breath. "I'd bite down on your dick!" A chorus of hard, mischievous laughter sounded from Elsa's voice. It was choppy but she was obviously having the time of her life. Jack, on the other hand, let out a bothered groan. _

_"Elsa, what the fuck? That right there? That's a damn boner _killer!" _Jack hissed. _

_Elsa, still in a fit of giggles, breathed, "Sorry, Jack! I-I just can't do it! It's too funny!" _

_"Elsa," Jack whined, sounding very unmanly and desperate. "Baby, please, try…"_

Finally, the video and audio feedback ended. Jack was dumbfounded. He couldn't move for a good minute. Elsa, on the other hand, was already yanking the door of the ice rink open and running in a dead sprint/glide for the hockey box of the Sharks. Nobody noticed because they were too busy laughing their asses off…at him mostly. Jack didn't get embarrassed because normally he didn't fail at life so hard.

While Elsa was nearing the team, he stood up on the edge of the rink and shouted to the stadium. "Not fucking fair! Now she could seduce a damn fag!"

So…maybe that wasn't the best choice of words. At that moment, two things occurred. First, Elsa finally made it across the rink, jumped over the side and used her momentum to crash on top of Jamie, slapping the shit out of him. She was spewing curse words, aimed directly at Jamie. Once he got his fair share, she turned on Joe. He whimpered and was tugged by the ear so that she could easily kick him in the balls. And that wasn't even the biggest scene going on.

"You have a problem with fags, fag?" A rival hockey player screamed, jumping onto the ice. "My brothers a fag and only we can call him that!" Jack should have jumped down, but he was too busy watching Elsa kick Joe's ass to notice the goalie that was twice his size barreling his way. With one quick dug, Jack was eating dirt – er, ice, his nose getting a good scrape while at it.

From there, the two teams took obvious sides and a huge brawl had begun. Punches, kicks, and tackles all took place _before _the game started. While Jack was beating Jamie's ass a second time, he met eyes with North and beamed. North shook his head with a grim smile. He should have expected it.

. . .

Oddly enough, the game commenced and the Sharks lost, by the one goal Jack missed. North announced that Elsa was welcome back anytime she wanted. Jamie and Joe both traded out for Jack's chores. They were 'fuck-ups who don't know their mind from their asses' and shouldn't be trusted with the video. The pre-game video footage never returned.

And guess who joined Jack in the shower of the locker room at the next practice? His very wife Elsa.

* * *

**A/N: I am SO SORRY! I am horrible for waiting like a month. But this just hit me and I have been caught up in other stuff. What should I do next? Any ideas are very much needed and welcome!**


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